November 15, 2015 • Ayumi Woodman
A little more than a year ago, a series of events lead me into a state of utter fear, when I shook uncontrollably for 16 hours. I felt as though I was standing at the edge of a cliff in darkness, with nowhere to go, and no hope.
I was a church goer then, but I didn’t believe that Jesus was the son of God. I didn’t know what that meant.
That night as I trembled in fear, I prayed out of desperation. I shouted under my breath, “Jesus, save me. If you are real, I want proof.” There’s no way of describing how scared I was. Jesus was my only hope.
In the following days, two coincidences occurred whereby my husband referenced my thoughts without me having mentioned anything of the sort. The timing and simplicity of the two instances -both of them relating to matters of my soul- made me wonder whether I married the perfect man, or, was Jesus trying to reach out to me?
Some time later in my bed, in my mind, a nephew of mine asked me “Is Jesus real?” To which I answered him spontaneously and without thought: “I don’t know, and I will never know. God is infinite, and all we’re doing is counting.”
This was the turning point.
In a breath, I realized that everything that I am -my thoughts, my experiences, my feelings, my body- was but a speck of dust in a great mystery, a mystery that I would never understand. I felt ashamed and embarrassed for having sought to understand God with my mind. What pride to have thought that I could understand!
At this moment, I was brought back to the edge of the cliff where I stood in fear. I realized that the ground I stood on represented my reasoning mind, and beyond it was nothing, all darkness, the unknown.
“God is infinite, and all we are doing is counting.”
I could have turned back, not face the precipice, walked on familiar ground of my own reasoning. I could have chosen to keep counting, seeking Truth with my mind.
Yet to find out if Jesus was real or not, I had to take a risk, abandon my reasoning, and…
I jumped. The only thing I had with me was hope, and trust. Trust that He would be there.
Scared, I looked around. I was still in darkness, but I stood. I stood on something flat and firm. I stomped my feet. It was like a rock. I was standing on a rock.
Since that moment, I have not been afraid and gradually, the darkness has brightened. I have no proof that Jesus is real. I can only testify that I have faith. I was born again when I jumped. It was my choice, it was my free will, and now that I’m standing on a rock, there is no going back.